Just Wondering

cherokeeBlonde
By cherokeeBlonde Latest Reply 2015-02-18 13:43:50 -0600
Started 2011-12-28 00:59:35 -0600

Heart- l wonder if there are others out there that start to feel just tired I mean just tired of bieng a heart patient. I have no family to speak of my parents are both gone and my grandma and also the only child I ever had who died at 5 and half months old. she would be 19 this year. yet seems like yesterday. the older I get the more it seems I end up in the hospital. It gets harder and harder to breath or even walk through my house. I dont know maybe its just the holidays but I feel very alone most the time and with out no one to talk to or even cry to. I have always been tough and have made it through 17 major open heart surgeries and have a condition which says I should be dead, l I have transposition of the great vessels which have never been repaired. and I also have been 100% pacemaker since age 12 I have had no heart beat of my own. I have gone through a addiction to speed, I have done time in state prison, I have had a stroke and learned how to talk and walk and eat and all by self I did it. so no one seems to understand when I say to them please Im tired of bieng strong I dont think I have it in me anymore. lately I have days that I just cry and just want to go to sleep and not wake up I am not saying sucideal i am not i am just tired and when I ask for help with something instead of bieng told I dont need help I can do it my self well it kinda hurts be. its like I actually climb my stairs at home one at a time on my ass. its not that I am hopeless or even feel that way guess I just feel alone and when I try and tell my live in other half he just laughs it off and says I am going to live forever and that he knows no one ever tougher than me well how do you get some one to understand that your tired of bieng strong and now you need some one to lean on or cry on or just laugh with. I am sorry what a sad discussion I just started im sorry happy holidays and god bless all of you
l


28 replies

redorangedog
redorangedog 2015-02-18 13:43:50 -0600 Report

Hello cherokeeBlonde,
Yes, I can relate to what you are saying. There is a discussion on arthritis connect about depression related to chronic pain and disease that you might find insightful. I also suffer from chronic heart disease and pain, fatigue, and arthritis with several auto immune disorders. Life can be intolerable if there is no one to talk to about how you are feeling. That is what these social networks are all about. You can talk about your feelings, your pain without judgement. We are all in the same place. Family and friends want to tell you that "everything will be fine," when we know it will not be fine; it will be fatal. Life is fatal. Some people suffer, while others seem to be always "fine.' Talk to us. We know what chronic pain is like. I know how it feels to keep the phone close just in case I have to call 911 if I can't breathe or my pacemaker feels like it is busting out of my chest or if I fall, it's game over.
Connect with people that share your pain and concerns. That is what these sites are for.
Cheers,
redorangedog

Trouble Breathing 49
Trouble Breathing 49 2013-08-11 19:54:24 -0500 Report

A very powerful message and it may help thousands realize what's happening in America and Worldwide. Please, never apologize for such sincere open sharing you just performed! You're a HERO! I was wounded in Vietnam by gunfire and more recently as a State Cop in N. Carolina. The State calls me a Hero, but the glory & Purple hearts can't touch what You just did! Thank You!

bikerbay
bikerbay 2012-02-19 00:07:32 -0600 Report

Just Wondering
Heart-I have transposition of the great vessels, I am 27 and I have been in and out of the hospitals all my life, I take 5 or 6 different medications a day. I am so tired of getting my blood drawn or going to the Dr. Every 6 months getting told that I can never physically have children of my own cause it could kill me. I'm tired of having my heart disease yes there are days were I don't get out of bed. I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago. If u or anyone else wants to talk about this u can e-mail me at katrina278473@yahoo.com small ok I am really sorry about ur loss

cherokeeBlonde
cherokeeBlonde 2012-02-20 14:54:58 -0600 Report

hi I to have transpostion of the great vessels, has yours been repaired, I am going on 48 and been doing this my entire life also and yes I do get bummed out at times but I do keep going. SO I am curious if yours was repaired. See mine has never been repaired, I am also 100% dependent on a pacemaker, without it I would have no heart beat at all. and transpostion was really just one of the major problems with my heart from birth and after 17 open heart surgeries and a pacemamer since I was 12 and the mechanical mitral valve which is located in the triduspid place . and by the way I also was told I coud never have a child, however I did get pregnant in 1992 and I actually had a court judge order me to have an abortion or I would die, well needlesss to say I did not have an abortion, and I carried my daughter for 7 months she was born at 7 months old, and was born with no health issues at all. my pregancy was not easy only for one reason since I do have a mechanical heart valve I take coumadin a blood thinner which would not allow a baby to develop right, so I had to give my self shots in the stomach area morning and night of lovenox which is also a blood thinner although not approved for mechanical valves that was my only choice I did give birth to a beautiful little girl and she was healthy, the shots daily were very hard on me it took me a good hour day and night to physc my self into giving them but I did it. and would never have any regrets. the only regret I have is that when I went in to labor at 7 months ( which labor dont feel great as women know) one of the nurses came in for me to sign something and bieng in labor I did and not even knowing what I was signing or what it meant well I signed for a tubligation ( getting my tubes tied) which I never would of done. so during my c section for birth they also tied my tubes. well my daughter Jessie passed away at 5 and half months old from what they call sudden infant death syndrom. and that is a long different story of dealing with that loss. but see I did have a child so dont always believe what they say you can not do only GOD knows what we can do.
Michele

cherokeeBlonde
cherokeeBlonde 2012-02-20 14:54:51 -0600 Report

hi I to have transpostion of the great vessels, has yours been repaired, I am going on 48 and been doing this my entire life also and yes I do get bummed out at times but I do keep going. SO I am curious if yours was repaired. See mine has never been repaired, I am also 100% dependent on a pacemaker, without it I would have no heart beat at all. and transpostion was really just one of the major problems with my heart from birth and after 17 open heart surgeries and a pacemamer since I was 12 and the mechanical mitral valve which is located in the triduspid place . and by the way I also was told I coud never have a child, however I did get pregnant in 1992 and I actually had a court judge order me to have an abortion or I would die, well needlesss to say I did not have an abortion, and I carried my daughter for 7 months she was born at 7 months old, and was born with no health issues at all. my pregancy was not easy only for one reason since I do have a mechanical heart valve I take coumadin a blood thinner which would not allow a baby to develop right, so I had to give my self shots in the stomach area morning and night of lovenox which is also a blood thinner although not approved for mechanical valves that was my only choice I did give birth to a beautiful little girl and she was healthy, the shots daily were very hard on me it took me a good hour day and night to physc my self into giving them but I did it. and would never have any regrets. the only regret I have is that when I went in to labor at 7 months ( which labor dont feel great as women know) one of the nurses came in for me to sign something and bieng in labor I did and not even knowing what I was signing or what it meant well I signed for a tubligation ( getting my tubes tied) which I never would of done. so during my c section for birth they also tied my tubes. well my daughter Jessie passed away at 5 and half months old from what they call sudden infant death syndrom. and that is a long different story of dealing with that loss. but see I did have a child so dont always believe what they say you can not do only GOD knows what we can do.
Michele

HeartHawk
HeartHawk 2012-02-19 23:14:22 -0600 Report

biker,

Yeah, transposition is a big challenge. But this is the best place to talk about it because over 100,000 community memebrs can chime in. I fyou want you can start on separate discussion on transposition and gain valuable info and support from the community.

The more you add, the more specific your experience and issues the more we can help.

HH

ije
ije 2012-02-11 00:34:48 -0600 Report

i just cried reading ur note but not discouraging u.u know 2006 just finish university fell very sick 4 almost 2years. i had this much eagerness to get a good job but can't'. never loose hope but Complete trust in God. 3month in special hospital, see people dieing , my family never know i will make it. do u believe in God Almighty and His Power? before then close to my finally exams, was involved in a very fatal accident, many people died. why am i tell u all this? yes. believe and trust in Him. castaway worries.in my place this saying is commonly used; not the person they say will died,will die. ask the Holy spirit 4 strength. the strength of the Lord Jesus Christ is sufficient for us! then on coming to US last September 2011, from the airport i was rush to the hospital: first one then the second one were i stayed 2months and some wks or so. they did me 3 major surgeries. the staff's at open heart do prays for me to live according to them . for i was so very very sick. still now i am not loosing g trust in God. here any one that reads my medical report of the surgeries, comments , you know you are luck to be alive today? not lucky but God grace and favor. is grace is sufficient for us.He who have keep you all this years will not allow you to die premature. am getting better and i know i will cross over all this. it for purpose; His name be praise. so be happy and thank Him for all things.All power belongs to Him both in heaven and on earth . do not be depressed, it can help in any way. live it up with a smile and happiness. this will help a lot. try it out! bye

CWMecca
CWMecca 2012-01-08 17:08:29 -0600 Report

I understand 100% what you're saying. You're tired of being used!! Let these people fend for themselves, you don't have to save the world. Concentrate on YOU, do what YOU want to do and don't let anyone guilt trip you into anything. My bf and I are "caretakers", we take care of everybody! It's draining and there's little reward for it. In fact, when I was in the hospital 3 times last August after my heart attack & once in October, these same people we'd helped many times robbed us. Just walked out with OUR stuff, never even saw it happen. After everything we did too. My bf wants to give them another chance, I said no way in hell, I'm done!
PUT YOURSELF FIRST. Get to a doctor, see what meds might help. If you do come to visit your friend in Vegas, say HI. I live in Las Vegas too. You're NOT alone!

redorangedog
redorangedog 2012-01-02 17:46:56 -0600 Report

Redorangedog, You sound like you are very depressed. I know what it is like to lose a family that I loved my whole life. I also know that the pain of losing a child never gets better. I lost my son to an unexpected MI and I will never be the same. When was the last time you had a cardiac exam? Extreme tiredness is a symptom of heart failure for a month before it presents itself. Please get a check up. You might need professional help to deal with your depression. When someone has a chronic health disease, depression goes with the territory. Like berrykinsO stated, you are not alone as long as there is Heart Connect. The people here know what it is to have heart disease as part of their daily life, I do. And as berrykinsO so smartly put it, no one will judge you because no one here is perfect. Anytime you want to connect to another person that will understand all to most of what you are saying, turn on the computer and speak freely. You are among friends. Please write back to let us know how you are doing. You have our attention and you have friends, as many as you reach out for. Red

berrykins0
berrykins0 2012-01-01 09:13:39 -0600 Report

your one tough gal thats been though alot we are all hear to support you.sorry for the loss of your daughter and parents and grandma..your never alone when your on herethats what make this sight to great to be a part of. we all make mistakes no bodys perfect and we all need to have someone to vent our issues or problems to it's ok to vent anytime needed on here. take care happy holidays to you.

cherokeeBlonde
cherokeeBlonde 2012-01-01 13:41:12 -0600 Report

thank you, I have been at such a loss lately not even knowing why im having the feelings im going through and why im frustrated because of it. some times I just want to run away. but thats not who I am, dam its hard to be strong all the time. yesterday I drove into town which is about an hour and drive from the ranch I live on and I cried the entire time and cant seem to figure out why. I know I have some stupid stuff that is really getting to me, its like I have just a few friends that I actually see on occassion, but its one that has 4 kids and she is young and married to a man who is much older and retired and they bought a house paid cash for it, and now he dont work, she works a few hours at the schools by her home, and than she gets cash aid and aid with food, and her mother who lives with her gets a ssi check like I do and that is my only income yet every month since i have known them which is going on 8 years now, I have just given them any where between 200 to 400 dollars a month and half the time I have to send it through money gram which costs more, and never have asked them to pay it back, and for the last two years the kids only had christmas cuz I paid for or at least let them use my credit to get gifts for the kids and I do all this out of the kind of person that I am, but it seems i have begun to realize the only time I do actually get a call or a text from her is when she needs cash for something with the kids or gas and it starts usually around the 4 or 4h of the month, well I only survive with a ssi check every month, and yet they will get my last dime, but I am starting to realize that it seems I am just a friend of convinence for them, I have a time or two that I have called and been in tears and just said hey I need you please come see me and there is always an excuse or can I send them money for gas or can I give them some of my pain meds or something, and I love these people but I can not do it no more I am debt, paying bills on time but heck I cant even buy myself a dollar store if I wanted to, I love bieng able to help others I have a roof over my head and a car and food, but I dont just want to have a friend that only wants to be around when they need or more like want something from me. I just can not do it no more, I tried to explain this to her yesterday just a short version I basically said that I can not keep giving and sending them money 4 or 5 times every month, anymore, and the response I got was you know we love you and appreciate it, and that I hurt her feelings and I was bieng mean. I said no I am just telling you how i feel. I feel like I have no one to turn to no one to talk to no one who actually wants to be my friend unless I can do something for them well I am dam nice lady with a heart of gold, and would give every penny to a stranger and I dont think I should feel like I have to pay to have friends. its making me crazy and feel so alone. and please dont let any of what I say make you feel as if im sucidial I am not, im just tired and venting I guess. thinking on going to vegas to see my best friend of 30 years I need the drive I think. think I really need to just cry and cry, anyhow im so sorry for sounding so sad and best wishes to you for the new year. and thank you for taking time for me
Michele

sadi23
sadi23 2012-09-01 02:00:07 -0500 Report

I know how you fel, I have lost all my family and they have not died. they have never understood my many conditions and being ill since I was a child. I have Lupus and many more. They can't deal or believe anyone could have so many issues. I don't talk to them any more… I don't drive any more or see anyone. i am lonely but ok… Teri best wishes

HeartHawk
HeartHawk 2012-09-02 00:15:58 -0500 Report

To all,

If anyone gets too lonely there is always a willing ear here at HeartConnect. Many of us are fighting multiple conditions so we understand all too well the challenges.

HH

HeartHawk
HeartHawk 2011-12-29 22:38:51 -0600 Report

cherokee,

I am not a therapist but I have been to them. I am not saying they cannot help but they certainly did not help me. Like you, I am one of those people who always keeps going yet obsesses over the tiredness and lack of energy.

I am almost certain it is due more to depression than a physical ailment. Sometimes I am angry that I will never have a breakdown because of who I am. Man, that would be sooo easy! But nooo, I just keep dragging on.

Look at what you have already been through - things that would crush many others - yet you battle on. I think it is just who we are. Gulcherboy makes a good point. We must also take care of ourselves - take our own little break - and not beat ourselves up for it or even for feeling a little sorry for ourselves.

As insensitive as your friend's remarks on being tough and living forever are they are probably right. You have proven it time and again. If nothing else this is a good place to "let it all hang out." None of us is exactly like you or anyone else - but - a small piece of each of us is EXACTLY like you! Just know you are among friends who care.

HH

Gulcherboy
Gulcherboy 2011-12-28 18:21:27 -0600 Report

I have a friend who is a judge and she told me the worst thing in her day is having to go to the grocery store after work to pick up something. She hates getting to the check-out knowing they are going to ask her, "Paper or plastic, mam?" She says she never answers because she is so tired from making decisions all day on the bench that she can't make that one. So, I think I have an idea of what you are going through. I know when my kids were younger, I burned out on making 100 decisions a day for them and/or about them. It might be worth talking to a therapist and it is certainly worth it to carve out some "me time" every day — that is yours and yours alone. Even if you are alone, this time is all about you — even if it's just 30 minutes. Watch a favorite TV show, read a book, check out the daily newspaper, walk around the block — do anything that lets you relax and be nice to yourself. I'd say you have most definitely earned it! Best of luck to you!

cherokeeBlonde
cherokeeBlonde 2011-12-28 23:26:00 -0600 Report

Thank you so it does seem some others may know how it feels to just be tired. its not that I give up its just im tired of always bieng the strong one and not having to be able to talk to anyone or lean on no one and just I dont know just say hey its ok to be afraid or scared or feel weak at times my heart condition makes it hard to breath at times it makes it hard to walk from one room to another i can not stand that I feel weak like that and helpless thank you for your reply

jobe66
jobe66 2011-12-29 10:51:03 -0600 Report

i know how you feel and i truly hope you find peace and understanding. thats one of the good things about this site, is that people understand in ways that others cant and we should be here for one another. if i can help in any way or you just need to talk, message me anytime.

cherokeeBlonde
cherokeeBlonde 2011-12-29 11:05:18 -0600 Report

Thank you its so strange its not like me to feel like this im always the happpy one and the one who just lets everythng roll off my back and yet now its like I feel like im losing it half the time and im over whelmed for no reaso I can think of. I dont know you know I have kaiser insurance through my ssi and through ssi they will not cover the cost of a therapist whiich I have tried cuz I dont want a bunch of medication I just want to be able to talk I think. when you have lost everyone in your family including my only child there are pains and hurts that dont just go away
anyhow thanks

sadi23
sadi23 2012-09-02 00:52:37 -0500 Report

Boy you hit home for me…I am tired as well, I did a discussion on "have you ever been to sick to go to the doctor to find out how sick you are"???

I have many a time. there is times, someone could tell me that there is $5000.00 at the drive through at the bank just for you, for nothing. I could wear my PJ's but I still wouldn't or couldn't I don't know which, and it is not because i don't need the money, cus I need it more than most others…

But I think of my grand kids, I did and do think of my kids, and did and do the developmentally disabled that I work with, I used them all.."Please God let my son get old enough to know his med's and be able to take them, let Michael learn how to use the bus and Jim get a job..you have to use what ever keeps you going one more day and God does the rest.

I have been so hurt by family my own adult kids, and friends, but we are here for each other and at times we can help mend broken relationships, just ask…love to you all, got to go to bed…Teri

HeartHawk
HeartHawk 2012-09-03 00:05:18 -0500 Report

sadi,

Yeah, been fighting fatigue so long I am starting to think it is more in my head than my body. But you have not only the right but the only attitude - just make it one more day!

Time for bed for me too - long day!

HH

redorangedog
redorangedog 2012-01-02 18:34:16 -0600 Report

Redorangedog, No one is always in control. There are weak spots in everyone. And, anybody that is your friend will not expect you to always be strong. Everybody cries. Everybody hurts. But, no one should expect you to pay their bills. Being asked for money so frequently is not a sign of friendship. Asking you for your meds is criminal. On the bottle of your medication it says not to share your meds with anyone. If SSI knew that you gave your meds away, you could lose all your benefits, forever. SSI is your benefit, to use for your health and welfare. If they knew that you were giving that money away to people that know you need money for shelter, food, clothing and gas for your car, that would not be considered legal and you can lose your benefits. A real friend would not put you in that position. Cut your losses. A person as kind and compassionate as you are, has no need to buy friends. SSI should cover mental health. Check with your case worker. A psychologist would be glad to talk to you, they do not give drugs. Red

HeartHawk
HeartHawk 2012-01-02 21:55:03 -0600 Report

cherokee,

Red makes a lot of sense. It is hard to let go of people if you feel they are all you have - especially when you are in a vulnerable position. Sometimes, we would all rather be abused than feel lonely.

It's time to set up a new support network. Look at church activities, check out what your county government offers, and keep your eye open for social hobby clubs or even political clubs. They are out there if you are willing to take the time to search for them. Perhaps some of our members can offer additional suggestions.

Once you have your "new" life set you cn start to cut the ties that are dragging you down!

HH

cherokeeBlonde
cherokeeBlonde 2012-09-02 03:26:53 -0500 Report

Thankyou I know each day I have to keep having faith even when it's feeling impossible to do
So I just keep smileing and hold on to faith and just learn each day to except whatever comes my wy
God bless all of you and I thank god everyday for finding heart onnect and having a way to just vent or share or ask questions or just knowing you all are here thank you